Enough is enough

I've had it.  I'm at a point where Satan has been taunting me and lying to me, presenting me with all kinds of convincing ideas about myself and about others, and I've gotten to the dreaded place where I'm almost okay with it.  I've kind of accepted the lies he's been telling me, even though I know that they're lies.  I just don't care, and I've been letting him accuse me and humiliate me before my own eyes, and I've been making God just sit back and watch Satan force me to beat myself up mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  A big reason for it all is that a lot of the lies I've been believing are actually true, but distorted and put in a place in my focus where they don't belong.  But another part of it is that I haven't been consistent in seeking to be filled with the truth in studying God's Word.

Let me just list off some of the things Satan's been telling me about myself.

I'm not dependable.  I keep to myself and offer help when it's convenient to me or when I think I have something to offer, but whenever someone needs something and comes to me for help, I can't offer them what they really need.

I'm not responsible or mature.  I can't take care of things for myself.  Because I'm not dependable, even I can't depend on myself.  I have to rely on others to do the important research in order to take action on the things that matter.

I am not motivated, driven, or passionate about anything or by anything.  Nothing consumes me like it should.

I am not an independent individual.  I can't shape my own identity without having others around me to give me an idea of what I want to be like.  I copy whoever I last talked to.

I am not personal and open.  I don't share who I am with people because I don't even know who I am.  I don't make myself known to people, and I don't know how to seek to know people.  I also tend to project God's Word on others rather than receiving His words for myself.  I believe in my subconscious mind that I am not one of "the wicked" referred to in the Bible.

I am not humble.  I judge and I compare myself to others, unintentionally finding ways to put myself above others and to put others below me in my mind.  I am too obsessed with my reputation, ironically, of being humble, as well as my reputation for many other things.

I am not truthful, nor do I have integrity.  I have developed the habit of sugarcoating the truth to the point that it becomes a flat out lie.  I learned the habit from being lied to in the same way by Satan my entire life.  When I fail to meet the standard, whether it's God's standard or the standards set up by society, I hide behind my distorted, barely convincing less-than-half truth.

I am not an obedient doer of the Word.  I have been deceived to think that my hearing of the Word counts as obedience and that is enough, so I resign myself to disobedience.

I am not bold or confident.  I am a coward who hates to be humiliated, but who is too unmotivated to do anything to keep myself from being humiliated, so I lie as a coverup.

I am not accepting.  I'm too caught up in being prideful and judgmental to accept anyone with their public sins.  Sin separates man from God, and I am convinced that I am still close to God despite my sins, but everyone else is gradually falling away from the Lord.

I am not loving.  I don't know how to love.  I'm too afraid of being vulnerable and open and showing myself for who I am—because I don't know who I am or what people will see when I open up—to be able to love freely.  I'm too self-conscious and insecure to love.

I am not forgiving.  I can be very bitter.  I hold grudges easily, and it takes far too long for me to let go.  And my grudges are frequently about trivial things.

I am not joyful continually, as we are commanded to be in 1 Thessalonians 5:16.  In fact, I am often very negative and pessimistic, bordering on being depressed (although not clinically).

I am not a go-to person, whether it's for assistance, for someone to confide in, or just for having fun.  I am not an enjoyable person to be around—at least, not enough for anyone to go out of their way to make plans to be around me.

Maybe it's childish of me to think all of these things, even if they are coming from the voice of the devil.  Maybe I need to get over it and just go on keeping to myself some more.  Forgive me for being cold, but I really don't want any kind of sympathy about these issues, and I don't want to be forcefully convinced that all of these things are false accusations.  I already know that full well, but that doesn't change the fact that I still believe them for some reason.

Maybe this is why I've been having such a hard time with the series on identity at Wesley the last few weeks.  The main message has been about setting up a foundation of "truths" about our identity.  Part of the reason why I'm skeptical about some things being truth and why I'm okay with believing some of the enemy's accusations against me is that I am being convicted of things that I tend to overlook, and I'm tired of seeing the church overlook things that need to be addressed.  The focus of the church has become the truth that God is love and He has made us exactly who we are meant to be, so we condone sin; but the reality is that He is also the Righteous Judge who loves us too much to allow us to remain in our present sinful state.  He can't stand to see sin retain any sort of influence in our lives.  But anyway, I didn't realize it until just now, but the reason I've been struggling with the "ID Required" series is that it's my natural response is to deflect the message and redirect it to someone who actually needs it.  But the truth is that I actually need it, and I'm unwilling to be humiliated in accepting that I am unsure of my identity.  I've struggled with the series because I need to be reminded of God's truth, but I've been content to accept the lies for so long that the lies have become comfortable.  To accept the truth would be to undergo life-altering change, but I've grown too comfortable to want to change.

So I am now at war.  The Lord has revealed to me the treachery of the one I have been listening to for so long, and now it is time for me to fight back.  I pray that whatever truth exists in the enemy's accusations would be highlighted to me so that I can be convicted and moved to change, and I pray that my tolerance for anything other than the word of the Lord, in its purity and truth, would completely dissipate.  I can also rejoice in acknowledging these accusations as true, because it is in my weakness that Christ is shown to be strong.  My depravity contrasts God's holiness so that His glory is all the more awesome and worthy of worship.

While I deal with my personal struggles, I pray that I would always remember that it's all about Jesus, and that I would never forget that all things work together for His infinite glory.  And I pray that that truth would be confirmed as the Lord takes His glory for Himself by reshaping me into His image and molding me into a good and faithful steward of the blessings and grace He has granted me.  I pray that I would be able to leave behind my fleshly nature and grow into the character of Christ.