"'Sit at My right hand, until I make your enemies your footstool.'"

Psalm 110:1b

I was talking with my friend Robby last night, and he asked me what God has been teaching me lately.  I caught myself not really being able to think of anything, and I was ready to get down on myself.  So I answered by sharing a quick story of a minor event that had some personal significance for me, and I was able to pick out a little bit of a lesson: Pay attention to the little details and be thankful for the ordinary things of life, because God is working in all of it, even in the things you don't notice.

While part of me took that moment as a rebuke, saying, "Great, I haven't been as devoted to the Lord as I would like, and now I have to own up to it; but I just want to make something up to make it sound like I'm still learning something," I just realized that in the back of my mind, something or Someone was saying, "Sure, you haven't been committing yourself fully to the Lord, but that doesn't mean that you aren't learning something.  God uses everything, and all it takes is a new perspective to recognize how He is growing you.  Just look for it."  So He helped me find something, and it turns out that it's a much bigger lesson for me than it originally seemed.

I just opened up my blog and read the first few sentences of my last post, and I realized that had pretty much forgotten about the lesson I was learning just a little over a week ago.  I wasn't even finished learning it, because obviously learning to "give thanks in all circumstances" is a lifelong process.  So the Spirit convicted me, saying, "Why are you so caught up in learning new things?  If I have to always be teaching you something new, when will you ever learn the full extent of what I am teaching you now?  Be content to 'sit at my right hand until I make your enemies your footstool.'"  One cliché I've been taking note of a lot lately is when people say they're resting in a particular truth, and I've never really understood that.  But I think I finally get it.  I need to be willing to dwell on the truth I am learning long enough for it to sink in, and maybe even a little longer so that I can put it into action.  I need to be able to "rest" in the place where I am currently before I can move on to something new.  In this way, I think I've been showing myself to be very restless.  In fact, now that I think about it, it's been this way not just with specific lessons, but even with sermons and passages of Scripture.  If I've heard a message several times before, it's hard for me to listen intently to it again because I feel like I've gotten all that I can out of it.  But I know that's not true.  This has always been the case for me.  I've never been one to reread books over and over again.  Even if I loved reading it, when I'm finished with a book, it goes back on the shelf and stays there.  So I think God is telling me that it's time to mature and grow out of this part of my personality.  It's time for me to be patient and to persevere in sitting at His feet and listening for a while.

Peter says in his second epistle, "Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.  For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.  I think it right, as long as I am in this body, to stir you up by way of reminder, since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me.  And I will make every effort so that after my departure you may be able to at any time recall these things" (2 Peter 1:10-15).  If I have not yet learned the qualities that the Spirit is trying to teach me and grow in me, then it is necessary for me to be reminded of those qualities so that I can continue to grow in them until the Spirit discerns that the fruits being produced in that area are sufficient for the time being, and it is time to move on to another quality.  If I do not allow perseverance to finish its work, I will never be mature and complete as the Lord desires for me (James 1:4), and perseverance cannot finish its work if I am constantly wavering between the various truths that I want to focus on.  Consistency in learning new things is of little value if I have no consistency in learning each lesson to the fullest extent.

So God's command to me today is this: "Come away by [yourself]... and rest a while" (Mark 6:31).  I need to remember the lesson He taught me last night regarding ordinary details and combine it with the lesson of gratitude from my last post, and I intend to "rest in that" for a while.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Apparently, ungratefulness has been a theme in my life lately, and I didn't realize it until just now.  I was reading Psalm 106, and when I got to verse 2, the Spirit made a connection from there to my thoughts from my last post.

"Who can utter the mighty deeds of the Lord, or declare all His praise?"

The reason I had all the thoughts I was having before is because Satan was putting them in a place in my mind where they didn't belong, and that place had been left open because that was where my praise of God belonged.  I was looking for praise for myself in place of the praise I was supposed to be giving God.  I had forgotten just how much the Lord has done for me and has been doing for me since before I was born.

I've been noticing recently that I become indignant at seeing other people do and say a lot of the things that I do and say toward the Lord.  As should be obvious because of the topic of this post, ingratitude is what I noticed, and also a need to make the good deed and the other person's ingratitude known.  But then I realized that I do the same thing.  If I do something nice or achieve something and I am not recognized or appreciated, I take it personally and try to conjure up appreciation from others.  But it shouldn't be about my own reputation of being nice or successful.  It should be about doing everything as for the Lord and not for men (Colossians 3:23), and men includes me.  I shouldn't do things for the sake of receiving attention, but rather because God told me to do it and in obedience I give Him glory.

But not only am I guilty of seeking unnecessary attention, but I am also guilty of being the ungrateful one who fails to give God the glory He deserves.  Psalm 106:2 was a reminder to me this morning that it is impossible to recount all that the Lord has done and give Him enough thanks for all of it.  Therefore, there is no reason for me to get so caught up in what I am not (2 Corinthians 8:12).  Even if I am not the most desired person to be around or to be like, it doesn't matter as long as who I am leads people to Christ.  And if I am not in a position to influence someone in a deep way, then all I can do is pray that someone else is there to be God's light to them.  So any time I start to pay too much attention to the lies I'm being convinced of, I need to remember God's goodness and faithfulness and love.  Psalm 105:43-45 essentially says that God blesses His people so that we would listen to Him and obey Him, and He has blessed me far beyond earning mere obedience.  He deserves my wholehearted, joyful devotion in seeking Him, serving Him, and seeking ways to serve Him without being commanded to do so.  (That's not to say that I should look for big ways to glorify Him instead of doing the small things He tells me to do.  Whenever He tells me to do something, that's what I need to do.  But if I haven't heard a call to do something, then I am to "do all that is in [my] heart, for the Lord is with [me]" (2 Samuel 7:3).)  I want to remember every day just how much God has done for me and is currently doing for me, so that I would always be motivated to live to worship Him with my whole life.  I cannot thank the Lord enough for bringing me to where I am and for where He is leading me, because I know it will be good.  It may be hard and not so enjoyable, but true joy is not based on my circumstances.  "Joy is refusing to let what cannot be enjoyed keep me from enjoying all that can be."

So rather than remembering who I am not, I will remember who God is, and I will let that understanding move me to strive to be more like Him without getting discouraged by my faults and failures.

Enough is enough

I've had it.  I'm at a point where Satan has been taunting me and lying to me, presenting me with all kinds of convincing ideas about myself and about others, and I've gotten to the dreaded place where I'm almost okay with it.  I've kind of accepted the lies he's been telling me, even though I know that they're lies.  I just don't care, and I've been letting him accuse me and humiliate me before my own eyes, and I've been making God just sit back and watch Satan force me to beat myself up mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  A big reason for it all is that a lot of the lies I've been believing are actually true, but distorted and put in a place in my focus where they don't belong.  But another part of it is that I haven't been consistent in seeking to be filled with the truth in studying God's Word.

Let me just list off some of the things Satan's been telling me about myself.

I'm not dependable.  I keep to myself and offer help when it's convenient to me or when I think I have something to offer, but whenever someone needs something and comes to me for help, I can't offer them what they really need.

I'm not responsible or mature.  I can't take care of things for myself.  Because I'm not dependable, even I can't depend on myself.  I have to rely on others to do the important research in order to take action on the things that matter.

I am not motivated, driven, or passionate about anything or by anything.  Nothing consumes me like it should.

I am not an independent individual.  I can't shape my own identity without having others around me to give me an idea of what I want to be like.  I copy whoever I last talked to.

I am not personal and open.  I don't share who I am with people because I don't even know who I am.  I don't make myself known to people, and I don't know how to seek to know people.  I also tend to project God's Word on others rather than receiving His words for myself.  I believe in my subconscious mind that I am not one of "the wicked" referred to in the Bible.

I am not humble.  I judge and I compare myself to others, unintentionally finding ways to put myself above others and to put others below me in my mind.  I am too obsessed with my reputation, ironically, of being humble, as well as my reputation for many other things.

I am not truthful, nor do I have integrity.  I have developed the habit of sugarcoating the truth to the point that it becomes a flat out lie.  I learned the habit from being lied to in the same way by Satan my entire life.  When I fail to meet the standard, whether it's God's standard or the standards set up by society, I hide behind my distorted, barely convincing less-than-half truth.

I am not an obedient doer of the Word.  I have been deceived to think that my hearing of the Word counts as obedience and that is enough, so I resign myself to disobedience.

I am not bold or confident.  I am a coward who hates to be humiliated, but who is too unmotivated to do anything to keep myself from being humiliated, so I lie as a coverup.

I am not accepting.  I'm too caught up in being prideful and judgmental to accept anyone with their public sins.  Sin separates man from God, and I am convinced that I am still close to God despite my sins, but everyone else is gradually falling away from the Lord.

I am not loving.  I don't know how to love.  I'm too afraid of being vulnerable and open and showing myself for who I am—because I don't know who I am or what people will see when I open up—to be able to love freely.  I'm too self-conscious and insecure to love.

I am not forgiving.  I can be very bitter.  I hold grudges easily, and it takes far too long for me to let go.  And my grudges are frequently about trivial things.

I am not joyful continually, as we are commanded to be in 1 Thessalonians 5:16.  In fact, I am often very negative and pessimistic, bordering on being depressed (although not clinically).

I am not a go-to person, whether it's for assistance, for someone to confide in, or just for having fun.  I am not an enjoyable person to be around—at least, not enough for anyone to go out of their way to make plans to be around me.

Maybe it's childish of me to think all of these things, even if they are coming from the voice of the devil.  Maybe I need to get over it and just go on keeping to myself some more.  Forgive me for being cold, but I really don't want any kind of sympathy about these issues, and I don't want to be forcefully convinced that all of these things are false accusations.  I already know that full well, but that doesn't change the fact that I still believe them for some reason.

Maybe this is why I've been having such a hard time with the series on identity at Wesley the last few weeks.  The main message has been about setting up a foundation of "truths" about our identity.  Part of the reason why I'm skeptical about some things being truth and why I'm okay with believing some of the enemy's accusations against me is that I am being convicted of things that I tend to overlook, and I'm tired of seeing the church overlook things that need to be addressed.  The focus of the church has become the truth that God is love and He has made us exactly who we are meant to be, so we condone sin; but the reality is that He is also the Righteous Judge who loves us too much to allow us to remain in our present sinful state.  He can't stand to see sin retain any sort of influence in our lives.  But anyway, I didn't realize it until just now, but the reason I've been struggling with the "ID Required" series is that it's my natural response is to deflect the message and redirect it to someone who actually needs it.  But the truth is that I actually need it, and I'm unwilling to be humiliated in accepting that I am unsure of my identity.  I've struggled with the series because I need to be reminded of God's truth, but I've been content to accept the lies for so long that the lies have become comfortable.  To accept the truth would be to undergo life-altering change, but I've grown too comfortable to want to change.

So I am now at war.  The Lord has revealed to me the treachery of the one I have been listening to for so long, and now it is time for me to fight back.  I pray that whatever truth exists in the enemy's accusations would be highlighted to me so that I can be convicted and moved to change, and I pray that my tolerance for anything other than the word of the Lord, in its purity and truth, would completely dissipate.  I can also rejoice in acknowledging these accusations as true, because it is in my weakness that Christ is shown to be strong.  My depravity contrasts God's holiness so that His glory is all the more awesome and worthy of worship.

While I deal with my personal struggles, I pray that I would always remember that it's all about Jesus, and that I would never forget that all things work together for His infinite glory.  And I pray that that truth would be confirmed as the Lord takes His glory for Himself by reshaping me into His image and molding me into a good and faithful steward of the blessings and grace He has granted me.  I pray that I would be able to leave behind my fleshly nature and grow into the character of Christ.