"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."
I feel like I'm in the middle of a whirlpool of decisions to make. Thankfully, it's a whirlpool of Living Water, so I'm being filled up as I'm being taken under, eventually to be spit out on the other side of the decision-making process. The last couple of weeks have been full of growth, with God speaking into me more than I've heard from Him in a while.
It started with the softening of my heart at the Father/Son retreat at Camp Highland. I had the fourth and fifth grade boys for the weekend, which was entertaining and stretching at the same time. Other than my few days volunteering at Day Camp over the summer, which hosts children from age 5 to 10, these were the youngest kids I had been a counselor for in two years. The newness and simplicity of their faith was refreshing, but the depth of their understanding of the stories of the Bible was incredible. And the childlike faith that caused a ten-year-old boy to only be able to whisper, "Wow," in awe at the fact that God offers to us the same love and forgiveness Jesus offered to the repentant criminal crucified beside Him... It causes me to react the same way: I can only whisper, "Wow," and tell and retell the story of God's faithfulness, because that same boy and his twin brother accepted/reaffirmed their faith in Christ that weekend because they wanted to know for sure that the Holy Spirit was inside of them and helping them to live for Jesus. Hearing the fathers give their blessings to their sons the next morning was the icing on the cake. Not a dry eye left camp that day.
Father/Daughter was the following weekend, which was just as powerful but far less involved for the male staff. It was a restful weekend, despite one sleepless night of thinking. As I keep coming back to camp, I'm continually reminded of just how much campers and their families impact me. The resulting change in my life because of them is far greater than anything I can offer them, and I'm grateful for the way God has used Camp Highland to shape me for the life He has planned for me.
And that's the journey I started to search out that sleepless night. A brief conversation with Mr. Chapman, camp's founder, set the wheels turning in my mind considering the possibility that maybe God brought me to camp in the first place so that He could keep me here. My gut feeling has always been that teaching music is meant to be my ministry field and that Camp Highland is a great way to continue in ministry until God reveals my destination. That night two weekends ago was the first time I had seriously questioned if I knew even the category of my destination.
I started reconsidering my passions. That sounds bad, like I started to doubt how much I love teaching music, but that's not what happened. It wasn't until I student taught that I began to feel comfortable teaching large band classes. Up until then, I felt far more comfortable teaching private lessons and running sectionals and small group Bible studies. All through high school, I wished I could make a living off of teaching trumpet lessons. Mentorship was my passion rather than teaching. Being a camp counselor affirmed that passion. But somewhere along the way in college, I had convinced myself that mentorship alone was not an option. To fall back on private lessons would mean that I had failed to make it as a teacher. But in reconsidering my passions, I began to see how my perception of mentorship had changed and how my philosophy had shifted to favor large group teaching. That sleepless night re-emphasized to me the value of mentorship alongside teaching.
After reaching that conclusion, I thought, "Great! That means that if I were to stay at camp, I could keep serving how I'm serving now, and I could teach lessons and work some high school band camps, and I wouldn't be abandoning my passions." As I prayed about it and longed for that to be God's will for me, the Lord began to let loose on me every piece of wisdom I need to be able to navigate this crossroad faithfully.
He started by leading me to Ephesians, which I'm still walking through today. Ephesians 1:9 has been a refuge for me in this decision-making process. In it, Paul mentions "the mystery of [God's] will." How reassuring to know, in the midst of all this uncertainty, that God's will is indeed a mystery! Paul goes on to say in 2:14 that "He Himself is our peace," which made me realize that I have been seeking peace in knowing what God's will is for me instead of seeking peace in knowing God Himself. These words gave me a lot of comfort in knowing that I have no need to worry about where God is taking me. He'll show me that in His own time. I still need to be watchful and ready for when He does open a door for me, but I also need to be fully invested in what He's doing in and through me right now. Jeremiah 17:7-10 supported that realization when the prophet said that the man who trusts in the Lord continues to bear fruit even during a drought. Though I'm in an in-between stage right now, God has been faithful to continue producing results for the expansion of His kingdom while I've been at camp and in my other undertakings in the past year.
But when I identified this past year as an in-between stage, I realized that I needed to reevaluate my heart again. I considered the benefits of remaining at camp and the benefits of continuing to pursue music, and it seems that my passion for teaching music still has a hold on me and won't let go. I got to meet with Breyer from TNT at Hillside, and he shared some valuable wisdom with me that helped me in a way similar to how Ephesians 1:9 comforted me: it didn't make the decision any more clear, but it gave me peace about how to go about making my choice in a way that honors Christ. Breyer recently went through a life-changing prayer journey as well, and hearing his testimony of faithful response to God's call to get up, move, and start a church plant was inspiring and made me think of Abraham and his faith. In contrast, I feel like Moses, hesitant, doubting my own abilities and readiness for God's mission, unable to trust fully that it's God who works in me to accomplish all things and that I can't do anything apart from Him and He doesn't ask me to.
He's humbling me. A while back, I read Philippians 4:12, where Paul said that he knew how to be brought low. In response, I prayed that God would teach me how to be brought low—how to be humble and how to be faithfully and patiently humbled/humiliated—for His glory. I think this is His process. I still have not reached any definite conclusions on what decision to make, but I feel more content with where I am than I've been able to feel in a long time. The path I see at this point is one that has me remaining at camp for a little while longer, just long enough to mature in perseverance until God opens the door for me to pursue ministry through music education. Whether this whirlpool of decisions changes the direction of my life or not, God is using this time to teach me far more than I've been able or even willing to hear from Him, and I'm thankful for the ways He is growing me, through prayer, through His Word, in worship, and through wise counsel from experienced mentors. He is transforming me by the renewal of my mind to be able to discern His will. Colossians 4:2 and Isaiah 62:6-7 are my mission now: to continue steadfastly in prayer and give God no rest, just as I have begun to pray about the decisions God has put before me, and to see this work of growth and maturing through to the end.
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