Reflection

Well, it's been a few days since I've written anything, so I decided I needed to write something in all the free time I have today.

It's kind of funny—well, not really funny; maybe curious is a better word—that when I stopped writing, my spiritual growth and my desire to grow closer to God came to a standstill. This entire week, I have been getting up late in the morning, so I haven't been able to do my devotions and morning Bible reading before class; my prayer life has become less active; and I've been easily distracted from reading my Bible. Now, I don't mean to say that this happened because I stopped writing. But I think that had something to do with it: my daily writing kept me focused on God and my relationship with Him, and when I stopped writing, I stopped my constant thinking about Christ, and I started to slip. So I'm renewing my challenge for myself to write something in my blog every day in order to keep my eyes fixed on the cross. And even now, as I'm writing this, I already feel like I'm coming back out of the rut I was in this past week.

The realization that I was getting nowhere with God finally hit me last night. I had heard about a special "prayer room" on campus, so I became curious. I needed somewhere to have some time alone with God, and it's open to semi-public access, so it sounded like a good idea. But that was the problem: it's only semi-public; it's open for anyone to use, but you have to have access to the building to use it. I don't have access to the building, so I waited for someone who did have access, and I followed them in. My first mistake. After getting to the floor the prayer room is on, I had trouble finding it. (I thought it would be obvious, with signs all over the door, but it wasn't.) So I had to sneak around, avoiding being seen because I felt out of place; even though I knew nobody would say anything if they saw me, being a stranger in the building felt uncomfortable to me. When I finally found the room, I felt much safer, but I wasn't able to get much studying done. I had planned on reading the material for this week's Perspectives class, but instead, I read my Bible. I didn't get very far though; I read the first couple chapters of Ezra, then decided to listen to Perspectives podcasts. I got through one podcast, then moved on to studying Galatians, but I only got through one verse. I was too out of it to focus on anything, so I left.

When I got back to my room, it finally hit me: I had lied to get into the prayer room. I didn't belong in the building, but I had walked in as if I did. Something didn't feel right, and I knew why: I had sinned to spend time alone with God. I could have used any ordinary room, but I had to sneak into a special room I didn't have access to instead.

But now that I have that off my chest, I feel better. I know what I did wrong, and I don't plan on doing it again; next time I want to go to the prayer room, I'll just have a friend let me in instead of sneaking in. Now I have the rest of the day ahead of me, and I'm going to devote it to the Lord. Last weekend I set aside four hours to read through the Minor Prophets, Hosea through Malachi, and I got through Nahum. I don't have a car on campus, so I had to find a ride to church, but everyone was busy; so I spent Sunday morning finishing Habakkuk through Malachi. So this weekend my plan is to read through Paul's letters, Romans through Philemon. I've read the entire New Testament before, but it's been a long time since then, so I feel like God is telling me to go through it again. After all, I have plenty of time today.