"Empty me of me so I can be filled with You."

For those of you who didn't know already, this past fall has seen me continue to remain on staff at Camp Highland, though some of my responsibilities have changed.  As the majority of our full time staff have been trickling out to take on new jobs and roles in life, the interns have had to step up and fill in the gaps left behind.  While this was intimidating at first, it has served to grow us and is continuing to do so in ways we could not have expected.

As a first step toward establishing a tight-knit unit between us, our boss recommended that we read The Dude's Guide to Manhood: Finding True Manliness in a World of Counterfeits, by Darrin Patrick.  To be honest, I was skeptical about it.  Any book that claims to have the answer to such a broad topic as manliness or success is written from a narrow minded perspective that believes that what works for one person should work for everyone else.  At least, that's the bias I hold toward those types of books, whether it's well-founded or not.  The fact that the cover of such a book shows a face with a long, unkempt beard and hipster glasses did little to change that bias.  In fact, it only discouraged me more from reading it.  Why would a scrawny college graduate who still looks like a teenager, who is working at a camp instead of in the typical professional world, who cringes at the click bait titles of every social media trend, want to read a book that tells him how to look and act in order to resemble an image that modern society believes to be "manly"?  Why read about how to be something you can't be?

Regardless of my feelings about the book's title and cover, which I think were common among the five of us, we began reading about a month ago.  Thankfully, the second and third chapters proved to be fairly instructive and useful.  In Chapter Two, Mr. Patrick writes about the obstacles that stands in the way of so many men seeking maturity, the most destructive of which is pride.  Humility is a necessary attribute of a godly man because it was one of the most well-recognized traits seen in Jesus.  He was called meek, meaning that He had power and every right to take pride in Himself, yet He denied Himself that right and put others before Himself instead.  He lowered Himself in order to raise others up (Romans 12:10, James 4:10, Philippians 2:5-8).  When a man, striving to show his significance, refuses help or instruction because he believes it makes him seem incompetent, he allows pride to keep him from attaining the fullness of life and godliness that God has made available to Him.

I think that's where I am right now.  That's why my posts have been so infrequent: I want to be able to work through my problems independently to show that I'm capable of succeeding and that I can be a valuable member of a team as a result.  But the irony is that I'm trying to be an independent member of a team, which nullifies the importance of teamwork.  If I only ask questions I already know the answers to, why ask them?  Am I really growing then?  Mr. Patrick writes that a father's job is to recognize potential in his child that the child may not be able to see in him- or herself, and then draw it out of him or her through instruction, discipline, and encouragement.  I want to be independent, and as a result, I hinder myself from tapping into hidden potential that may be allowed to emerge if I would only seek guidance to identify and foster it.  It strikes me now that that might be why I am so repulsed by books with simple answers to complicated questions: I want to believe there's more to the answer that I can find on my own without someone oversimplifying it for me.  So maybe that's why I'm reading this book: to humble myself and be willing to ask questions I don't know the answer to, to be taught what I didn't know I needed to learn.

I finished reading Chapter Four today, and it has raised some uncomfortable questions for me.  For the last year and a half, I have struggled to choose between continuing on my path toward becoming a band director and diverting from it to remain at Camp Highland a little longer.  Toward the middle of this fall was the first time I had felt any kind of peace about staying at camp, so I have been there since then.  The peace came from knowing that God intends for me to continue with music but that He has more to teach me through camp until He presents an opportunity for me to enter the music education field.  What set me on edge while reading, though, was that I felt as if I fell into one or more of Patrick's categories of discontented working men.  The author's directive to quit your less-than-satisfying job and find your calling was offensive to me because, even though I know God has much more planned for me later on down the road, I love what I do where He has me right now.  What I don't love is the way my attitudes and reactions have been changing these past few months.  My impatience and frustration under duress get the best of me much more frequently, and my incompetencies seem to be highlighted to my eyes.  Criticism falls on easily offended ears, and exhortation extinguishes what little motivation I already had.  And I hate that this is what's surfacing in me now.  What about that "potential" my heavenly Father is supposed to be drawing out of me?  My time at camp seems to be having the opposite effect on me.  And I'm frustrated.

But Mr. Patrick helped me arrive at a resolution that was a core reason for why I am still at camp but which I seemed to have forgotten in the midst of my discontentment: "[Your] less-than-perfect job is helping hone your passions.  It is shoring up weaknesses in your skill set and helping you overcome deficiencies in your character."  A lesson God has been bringing to my mind for a few years now is this: In order for Him to meet a need, there first has to be a need.  Since I committed my life to the Lord, I have felt disconnected from anyone who speaks of our depravity.  I have spoken of it myself, and I have always felt hypocritical about it because, though I know I am a sinful human being and can identify sins I have committed, I have never really felt the crushing weight of my guilt or understood what it meant to grieve for my sins.  But I think this period of darkness is God showing me just how ungodly and rebellious I am capable of being so that I can truly understand how desperately I need Him.  I need His forgiveness, and I need His righteousness to grow within me and throughout.  I am impatient, I am easily offended, I am not all-sufficient though I long to be able to be, I am lustful, I am prideful, I am cynical, I am short-tempered, I wear many masks to hide who I really am; and I hate it.  I need Jesus.  God caught my attention six years ago by romancing me with His infinite wisdom and glory and the joy that comes from worshiping Him through music.  I was overwhelmed with a longing to be filled with His Word and His Presence.  Now I am overwhelmed with a longing to be emptied of everything that is contrary to Him.  I pray that the holiness of Christ will flush out the sin in me and bring all my darkness to light so that I can be a faithful ambassador and courier of the Gospel of sanctification and redemption.  And I pray, as I look ahead to my future as a music educator, that I would not live so entangled in dreams of the future that I forgot about the present, but that I would embrace every obstacle and lesson as an opportunity for growth and service to the Lord that will allow me to advance His Kingdom now and in the future the next time similar obstacles arise.

Romans 12:2

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

I feel like I'm in the middle of a whirlpool of decisions to make.  Thankfully, it's a whirlpool of Living Water, so I'm being filled up as I'm being taken under, eventually to be spit out on the other side of the decision-making process.  The last couple of weeks have been full of growth, with God speaking into me more than I've heard from Him in a while.

It started with the softening of my heart at the Father/Son retreat at Camp Highland.  I had the fourth and fifth grade boys for the weekend, which was entertaining and stretching at the same time.  Other than my few days volunteering at Day Camp over the summer, which hosts children from age 5 to 10, these were the youngest kids I had been a counselor for in two years.  The newness and simplicity of their faith was refreshing, but the depth of their understanding of the stories of the Bible was incredible.  And the childlike faith that caused a ten-year-old boy to only be able to whisper, "Wow," in awe at the fact that God offers to us the same love and forgiveness Jesus offered to the repentant criminal crucified beside Him...  It causes me to react the same way: I can only whisper, "Wow," and tell and retell the story of God's faithfulness, because that same boy and his twin brother accepted/reaffirmed their faith in Christ that weekend because they wanted to know for sure that the Holy Spirit was inside of them and helping them to live for Jesus.  Hearing the fathers give their blessings to their sons the next morning was the icing on the cake.  Not a dry eye left camp that day.

Father/Daughter was the following weekend, which was just as powerful but far less involved for the male staff.  It was a restful weekend, despite one sleepless night of thinking.  As I keep coming back to camp, I'm continually reminded of just how much campers and their families impact me.  The resulting change in my life because of them is far greater than anything I can offer them, and I'm grateful for the way God has used Camp Highland to shape me for the life He has planned for me.

And that's the journey I started to search out that sleepless night.  A brief conversation with Mr. Chapman, camp's founder, set the wheels turning in my mind considering the possibility that maybe God brought me to camp in the first place so that He could keep me here.  My gut feeling has always been that teaching music is meant to be my ministry field and that Camp Highland is a great way to continue in ministry until God reveals my destination.  That night two weekends ago was the first time I had seriously questioned if I knew even the category of my destination.

I started reconsidering my passions.  That sounds bad, like I started to doubt how much I love teaching music, but that's not what happened.  It wasn't until I student taught that I began to feel comfortable teaching large band classes.  Up until then, I felt far more comfortable teaching private lessons and running sectionals and small group Bible studies.  All through high school, I wished I could make a living off of teaching trumpet lessons.  Mentorship was my passion rather than teaching.  Being a camp counselor affirmed that passion.  But somewhere along the way in college, I had convinced myself that mentorship alone was not an option.  To fall back on private lessons would mean that I had failed to make it as a teacher.  But in reconsidering my passions, I began to see how my perception of mentorship had changed and how my philosophy had shifted to favor large group teaching.  That sleepless night re-emphasized to me the value of mentorship alongside teaching.

After reaching that conclusion, I thought, "Great!  That means that if I were to stay at camp, I could keep serving how I'm serving now, and I could teach lessons and work some high school band camps, and I wouldn't be abandoning my passions."  As I prayed about it and longed for that to be God's will for me, the Lord began to let loose on me every piece of wisdom I need to be able to navigate this crossroad faithfully.

He started by leading me to Ephesians, which I'm still walking through today.  Ephesians 1:9 has been a refuge for me in this decision-making process.  In it, Paul mentions "the mystery of [God's] will."  How reassuring to know, in the midst of all this uncertainty, that God's will is indeed a mystery!  Paul goes on to say in 2:14 that "He Himself is our peace," which made me realize that I have been seeking peace in knowing what God's will is for me instead of seeking peace in knowing God Himself.  These words gave me a lot of comfort in knowing that I have no need to worry about where God is taking me.  He'll show me that in His own time.  I still need to be watchful and ready for when He does open a door for me, but I also need to be fully invested in what He's doing in and through me right now.  Jeremiah 17:7-10 supported that realization when the prophet said that the man who trusts in the Lord continues to bear fruit even during a drought.  Though I'm in an in-between stage right now, God has been faithful to continue producing results for the expansion of His kingdom while I've been at camp and in my other undertakings in the past year.

But when I identified this past year as an in-between stage, I realized that I needed to reevaluate my heart again.  I considered the benefits of remaining at camp and the benefits of continuing to pursue music, and it seems that my passion for teaching music still has a hold on me and won't let go.  I got to meet with Breyer from TNT at Hillside, and he shared some valuable wisdom with me that helped me in a way similar to how Ephesians 1:9 comforted me: it didn't make the decision any more clear, but it gave me peace about how to go about making my choice in a way that honors Christ.  Breyer recently went through a life-changing prayer journey as well, and hearing his testimony of faithful response to God's call to get up, move, and start a church plant was inspiring and made me think of Abraham and his faith.  In contrast, I feel like Moses, hesitant, doubting my own abilities and readiness for God's mission, unable to trust fully that it's God who works in me to accomplish all things and that I can't do anything apart from Him and He doesn't ask me to.

He's humbling me.  A while back, I read Philippians 4:12, where Paul said that he knew how to be brought low.  In response, I prayed that God would teach me how to be brought low—how to be humble and how to be faithfully and patiently humbled/humiliated—for His glory.  I think this is His process.  I still have not reached any definite conclusions on what decision to make, but I feel more content with where I am than I've been able to feel in a long time.  The path I see at this point is one that has me remaining at camp for a little while longer, just long enough to mature in perseverance until God opens the door for me to pursue ministry through music education.  Whether this whirlpool of decisions changes the direction of my life or not, God is using this time to teach me far more than I've been able or even willing to hear from Him, and I'm thankful for the ways He is growing me, through prayer, through His Word, in worship, and through wise counsel from experienced mentors.  He is transforming me by the renewal of my mind to be able to discern His will. Colossians 4:2 and Isaiah 62:6-7 are my mission now: to continue steadfastly in prayer and give God no rest, just as I have begun to pray about the decisions God has put before me, and to see this work of growth and maturing through to the end.

Take No Rest

Isaiah's exhortation to the watchmen on Israel's walls resonates deeply with today's American culture of working tirelessly to achieve success for oneself.  Even the Christian seeking to glorify God rather than himself tends to live by the words "take no rest" from Isaiah 62:6.  But we often take this verse out of context.  At least, I know I do.  If we would only continue reading in verse 7, we would see that Isaiah says to "give [the Lord] no rest until He establishes Jerusalem and makes it a praise in the earth."  Alone, verse 6 seems to be a contradiction to the commandment that we are to take Sabbath rest regularly.  But God doesn't tell us to work endlessly.  In fact, what He does tell us to do without ceasing is pray, give thanks, and be joyful (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

I often find myself disgruntled because of the work that, in my mind, has been left to me, although it is usually work that can wait and that can easily be delegated at a more appropriate time.  I end up doing unnecessary work, which steals away my time for rest or more meaningful work.  I convince myself time and time again that the work that is left to me must be done, and things will fall apart if I fail to do my part—and "my part" is ever growing as I take on these self-imposed responsibilities.

Then one day, God gave me a wake-up call: "You are not God."

The world will not fall apart without me.  I am not the one holding the universe in his nail-pierced hands.  Two years ago, the Lord urged me to learn to "embrace the fade," a lesson to which He is recalling my attention in more ways than one, but that's a topic for another time.  The Lord is the one who works in me with all His energy, and He has no need of rest.  But I do.  I just finished reading a book by Louie Giglio entitled I am not, but I know I AM, the entire premise of which is that we are not God—if God's name is I AM, then my name is "I AM not."  He is God, I am "not God."

What a comfort to know that I am not God and don't have to try to be!  In my failures, life goes on.  God is capable in my weakness and in my absence.  Knowing this, He has decreed for me a regular time of rest called the Sabbath.  But Sabbath rest does not have to be relegated to a single day each week.  There is Sabbath rest to be had whenever my work ends and God's work carries on.  The Lord supplies my energy, yet even He demands that I break from my work in order to rest in His.  Good works have their proper time, as does holy rest.  To continue working in a time intended for rest is to say, "God, I know You have work to do, and I'm sorry to hold You up, but I'm not done with my work yet.  Let me finish up so that You can do what You need to."  As if my incomplete work could impede God's work in the slightest!  I need to remember who I am, and also who I AM not.

With this in mind, Isaiah 62 deserves to be revisited.  The key phrase is not, "take no rest," but rather, "give Him no rest."  We are only participants in God's work, which goes on even without us.  Rest is essential for life, and Sabbath rest is essential for eternal life, and God will not contradict His commands.  The way we are to "take no rest" is in our continual prayer.  While we work, we lift up our prayers through our work by striving toward what we ask, aligning our hearts and our actions with God's will.  Our "work" in Sabbath rest is to affirm the Lord's work through prayer and to trust that His grace is sufficient to accomplish all things in my absence.

I am still tempted to deny myself rest and to continue to work out of a sense of sovereign need, but I pray that He will teach me to take rest in His work and to devote myself to prayer as my tireless work (Colossians 4:2).

Names

About a year ago, while reflecting on my summer at Camp Highland, my devotions led me to John 13, when Jesus washed the feet of His disciples.  When He came to Peter, the headstrong disciple refused to be served by his Master, insisting that he should be serving his Lord instead.  Once Jesus explained the purpose of His service to His disciples, Peter immediately repented and asked that Jesus clean him completely, not only his feet.  As I thought on this, God directed me to realize that I am often like Peter in the way I seek to serve and not be served.

Moses was similarly disillusioned.  Though referred to as the most humble man on the face of the earth (Numbers 12:3), Moses showed arrogance just as Peter did and just as I do so often.  When he witnessed one of his Hebrew brethren being beaten by an Egyptian, Moses killed the Egyptian to protect his fellow Israelite (Exodus 2:11-12).  Moses judged the Egyptian for his sin, and in an attempt to take the place of God, he dealt out what he imagined was justice.  Again, when he struck the rock in anger to bring forth water in the desert, Moses strayed from the command of the Lord and spoke as if he himself were producing the water for the Israelites (Number 20:10-12).  Twice, the most humble man on earth tried to issue judgment in place of God.

To this man, God chose to show Himself and reveal His Name.  In order to remind Moses that there is only one true God, and it is not him, the Lord called Moses to an impossible task and walked with him to bring success.  The Lord also shared His name with Moses: I AM THAT I AM.  Louie Giglio writes that this revelation of who God is is also a reminder of who we are, or rather, of who we are not.  If God's name is "I AM," then our name must be "I am not" (I am not, but I know I AM, Giglio).  This was meant to free Moses from the burden of being the savior of his people.  No man should have to bear that burden.  Only Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was able to carry His identity as God and His purpose as the Savior of humanity with complete humility.

Now, Jesus came to serve, not to be served.  That purpose was meant for Jesus alone.  Just as God's name "I AM" points out that our name is "I am not," my name, Michael, means "who is like God," which reminds me that there is no one like God who is without need.  Though I try to serve everyone in every way as often as I can, it is not my place to refuse service from others.  By doing so, I claim to be all-sufficient, just as Moses claimed God's judgment seat.  I've found that I've been repeatedly putting myself in the place of God, whether by refusing to receive service or by ignoring advice because I believe I already possess the necessary wisdom, which Romans 12:16 so clearly warns against.

Names often create a platform from which to praise God.  Michael is a reminder that the Lord is incomparably great.  Hanani is a reminder of God's grace toward us.  But similarly, names also serve to convict us when we forget our identities in relation to the Lord.  When I believe I am self-sufficient, Hanani reminds me that all I have is because of God's grace, by which He has given me all I need.  When I believe I am like God, Michael reminds me that "I am not," and that none can compare to Him.  Anything in me that reflects God is only because Christ dwells in me.

To combat my pride, like Moses, I need to remember that the Lord is I AM, and my name is "I am not."  Knowing that "I don't have what they need" sets me free to serve joyfully, and knowing that I don't have what I need allows me to humbly receive service rather than refuse it.

Do it again!

Back in the winter I was reading a book called Orthodoxy, by G.K. Chesterton.  As you might guess from the title, it took a slow start at the beginning, opening with some dry, complex thoughts.  But eventually the material started to pick up momentum as the ideas communicated began to generate excitement and motivation to reform.  I don't have the book on hand, but what is probably my favorite revelation from Mr. Chesterton's journey to rediscover orthodoxy in his faith was this:  Repetition is not necessarily stagnation.  This has been a recurring lesson to me for years now, and it seems like I keep coming back to it because it never quite gets all the way through to me.

Chesterton illustrates this idea in this way: Adults and older youth often grow bored with activities quickly.  There must always be a sense of novelty in order for a thing to be of interest.  There must always be a sense of forward motion.  An infant or young child, on the other hand, will often say, "Do it again!" whenever he finds a phenomenon entertaining, and he will not cease to repeat the phrase until he is sufficiently satisfied.

Take, for example, a circle and a spiral as another analogy.  In education, we refer to what is called "spiral curriculum," in which one will return to familiar material in order to address new levels of the subject.  For example, one may learn that multiplication is like adding multiple times (2x4 is like 2+2+2+2), then later return to learn the multiplication tables, then later return to learn how to multiply multi-digit factors, then later return to introduce variables as possible factors and products.  In education, we see the spiral as the model for progress.  So what about the circle then?  Would that be a symbol of stagnation?  What if we took the circle and changed our perspective so that it became not a two-dimensional geometric shape, but a wheel.  It is a wheel, not a spiral, that allows a vehicle to move forward.  The one who is content to remain in the same place relative to the body for an extended period of time, will find that he has made significant progress for himself and for the whole body, though he remains attached to the same axle.

Time and time again God has brought me back to this idea of sitting at His feet and resting in the truth, waiting for His teachings on a particular subject to sink in before moving on to anything new.  But I can never sit still.  Metaphorically.  I always have to get up and move around.  I have to be constantly learning something new, or else I feel like I'm not progressing.  I can't just be content to hear the same thing taught to me over and over again until it gets through to me... because I often feel like I already know what He's trying to tell me.  I've heard it all before.  Or so I think.  And I don't hear Him through.

Chesterton idealizes the image of a child laughing and urging his entertainer to "do it again" by putting the lens up against the Creation.  The sun rises each morning because God says, "Do it again," not out of monotony but out of pleasure at seeing His creation do what it was made to do.  The flowers of the field are so very similar not because God found the job of creation so dull that He simply used a mold to ease the process of duplication, but rather because He found a single flower so appealing that He said, "Do it again!  Make another.  That one is good too.  Make another.  And another."

Tomorrow, God will tell the sun to rise again, and He will see that it is good.  And when the sun rises, He will tell me to get up and do it again, to lay myself down at His feet, to die to myself, and to rise again in Christ to live for Him.  And He will see that it is very good, and He will be pleased with me.  I say that not out of arrogance and pride, expecting to be a pleasing offering to God, but out of hope in Christ.  When Jesus was baptized in the Jordan River, the Holy Spirit anointed Him in the appearance of a dove, and the Father's voice came from heaven, saying, "This is My Son, whom I love; with Him I am well pleased" (Matthew 3:17).  He did not say, "With His work I am well pleased."  Jesus had not begun His recorded ministry yet.  As far as we see in Scripture, Jesus had not yet done anything that would merit a declaration of God's pleasure in Him.  Yet we hear that God said, "In Him I am well pleased."  This was said that we might see that it is not in our works that our Father takes delight, but in our being.  That's it.  The mere fact that we exist.  And that we choose Him, because of course, we are corrupted by sin, and that's not good; but the forgiveness we have in His Son redeems us so that He can look at us and say, "It is good.  In you I am well pleased."

The last few days, I have felt discouraged because I feel that I am not leading anyone when I could be leading kids at Camp Highland.  So as I was praying and having some quiet time, I started looking for encouragement.  I have a funny habit of kind of silently preaching to myself sometimes.  Not really praying, and not really talking to myself, but more like preaching to a congregation with myself as the only member.  As I was doing this, my mind began to form the words of encouragement, "God is pleased with me.  He is pleased with my work."  Then I had to stop myself.  What have I done to please God?  Are my works what save me?  Is that what makes God look at me and find me holy and innocent?  No.  He is pleased with me.  Just the fact that I am me.  I am who He made me to be.  Just as the sun performs its duty in accordance with its identity, so I am pleasing to God by being myself and fulfilling the purpose God has given me in this moment in time.

He is pleased with me.  So I will do it again!

Hutututu

We call it the most holy game of Camp Highland.  It is the game at camp.  To remove it from Camp Highland would cause us to cease being Camp Highland.  It is a way of life.

That may be an exaggeration, but there is no doubt that Hutututu is Camp Highland's most favored tribal game, with ultimate frisbee being its closest competitor among the staff.  And as with anything, there are countless lessons that can be taken away from the game.  During our staff training one day, we read the stories of Samuel and David facing the Philistines in 1 Samuel 7 and 17, and I was struck by the reflection of Hutututu in the story of David facing Goliath.

In Hutututu, one person crosses from his side to enter the territory of the opposing tribe, chanting, "Hutututu," repeatedly in a single breath.  His goal is to tag as many people as possible and cross back over to his tribal territory before taking another breath.  The opposing tribe's objective is to avoid being tagged and to keep the invader from escaping back to his side.  Often one defender will latch onto the attacker, and the rest of the defending tribe will swarm to his aid to hold back the attacker until he runs out of breath.  This is the picture we see in the story of David and Goliath.

In the battle of the Israelites versus the Philistines, one mighty warrior named Goliath stepped forward to challenge the opposition, shouting out threats to any who might dare to step forward against him.  Then David, one bold enough to accept the challenge, came forward and faced the menacing giant.  David struck Goliath with a stone and brought him to his end, as in Hutututu one might grapple with an attacker to hold him back.  When Goliath had been defeated, the Israelite troops rallied to conquer the remainder of the Philistine army, just as one's tribe would rally to his aid as he fights to hold back an invader.

This picture of battle gives us a model for how we ought to pray.  The Apostle Paul has much to say on the topic of prayer, often speaking of his own prayers for the Church and asking for prayer from the Church.  In Philippians 4:6, we are called to not only pray to the Lord but also to petition the Lord, or intercede with the Lord, for our own needs and for the needs of others.  When we pray, we speak individually with God.  When we petition, we call upon the body of believers to pray in agreement with us.  In Colossians 4:2, we are urged, "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."  When David stood up to Goliath and the Israelites saw his triumph, I imagine that they were watching closely to see the results and that they were thankful when the Lord brought victory through the bold young shepherd.  As soon as Goliath fell, I envision the Israelites watching in awe as David stepped forward to seize the giant's sword, all hands gravitating toward their own weapons as the blade swung down to sever the glory of the Philistine champion from his people.  Likewise, we are to be watchful and thankful in prayer, staying alert to recognize the needs of others (Ephesians 6:18), giving thanks for the first signs of victory and immediately jumping to usher in total triumph as soon as a foothold has been gained.  Jesus says in Matthew 11:12, "From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it."  E.M. Bounds asserts in his book The Essentials of Prayer, "The present ground we occupy must be held by making advances, and all the future must be covered and brightened by it."  Many battles have been won so far this summer, and now it is time to celebrate in the Lord's triumph and to welcome Him to come and bring the completion of His victory.  Even better is yet to come.  Pray with me, and allow me to pray with you too.  Come quickly, Lord (Revelation 22:20).

Silence Above the Noise

God has provided me with a unique opportunity through my time at Camp Highland this year.  Having just graduated from UGA back in May, I am currently searching for a job as a music educator; however, I felt that the Lord was calling me to return to serve at camp again this summer, which put a temporary halt on the job hunt.  So to compromise, I remained at camp only for the first half of the summer, and now I am back at home to resume my search.  At this point, there are no prospects, but the Lord has opened up the option of joining the full time staff at Camp Highland starting in the fall.  I don't know if that is what He has chosen as my path or if it's just my desire to do what's easiest, so I still have a lot of praying to do, and I would appreciate your prayers on the matter as well.

Anyway, back to my original point, because I am now at home only halfway through the summer, my time at camp is still fresh in my mind.  And in my journal.  I was going back through my notes from the summer, and God brought me across several lessons He had introduced to me earlier and which are still very powerful and relevant now.  So I am going to try to post some of the things He has been teaching me so far this summer.

One day during staff training, it was raining pretty hard during our Time Alone with God (TAG)—well, it rained several days during staff training, but God spoke through it this one particular morning.  I am just going to record what I wrote that morning.

"We are having TAG time under a pavilion in the rain.  The sound of water hitting the tin roof is roaring all around us, but our silence in communing with God is louder than the storm.  When we were being briefed for today's TAG, I could barely hear the instructions.  Now the roar of the rain has become louder and more awesome, but we are kept dry by the roof over our heads, and we continue to listen for Your voice.
In the storms of my life, I need to learn to sit and rest in Your shelter.  Too often I stand and wander around in Your presence, complaining about the rain that keeps me from going out.  But that is the purpose of the shelter in the storm: to keep us in Your presence and in the path of Your commands when everything around me will leave stains.  I want to go out into the world and take on Satan's armies, but Your shelter lets me know that here is where You want me."

We have a pretty loud and talkative staff this year (not necessarily a bad thing—we love community), which has also been reflected in our campers each week.  So for all 50-60 of us to be sitting silently under a single pavilion in the pouring rain was incredible.  The silence was powerful and almost tangible, despite the roar of the rain.  There's a lot of life's noise roaring all around me right now, and I often to contribute to it with my doubts and worry and my need to be active.  But the Lord reminds me that stillness is not inactivity but holy rest.  I need to remember to make time to draw back and be quiet and wait on God.  This will give me the rest I need to regain my strength and energy for when the time comes to be active.

Dressed at the Quarry

It's crazy how fast time flies by.  It's hard to believe that I'll be graduating from UGA in a matter of months.  I'm doing my student teaching this semester, ten weeks in a middle school and five in a high school, and I have to say that my time in the middle school has been incredible so far.  I'm learning a lot really quickly, and not just about music and teaching.  The Lord has given me a unique opportunity to grow in my knowledge of Him and my role in the plan He has for me in a "secular" public school setting.  It helps that, despite the polar differences between our personalities, my cooperating teacher and I share the same faith in our Savior.  It has been awesome getting to see practical applications of gospel-centered living in the education field, and God has been teaching me a lot of things about Himself and His Church through none other than music analogies.

One particular analogy that hit me today actually started to sneak into my mind last weekend.  My discipleship partner and I have been reading 1 Kings to become more familiar with history in the Old Testament, so on Saturday, I read chapter 6 on Solomon's work on the Jewish temple.  The part that stuck out to me as I was reading it was verse 7: "In building the temple, only blocks dressed at the quarry were used, and no hammer, chisel or any other iron tool was heard at the temple site while it was being built."  What's interesting to me about this verse is that the image of the quiet temple site is like a picture of heaven: we are the stones and blocks found at the quarry, and only those that are dressed where they are found are suitable to be used in the building of the Temple, the Body of Christ.  Any stone that arrived at the temple site unprepared would have been considered useless for the work required of it and would have been discarded.  Likewise, the Day of Judgment will be too late for us to dress ourselves for the Lord's service.  Only those who are clothed with the righteousness of Christ here in this quarry of living stones called Earth will be approved for the high honor of being used as a building block in the Temple of our Lord.  All others will discarded at the Gate.  No work of sanctification will be done at Heaven's Gates.  No tool of trials will be heard there.

Now, this revelation was an exciting find as it is, but then Monday rolled around, and the lesson came up as a relevant topic in the day's band classes.  The bands are currently in preparation for Large Group Performance Evaluations (LGPE) and our spring concert.  As a result, there has been a process going on of refining the ensemble that will be going to LGPE.  This means that those students who do not know their music are being removed.  They still remain in the band and participate in class, but they are not included in the honor band that will be going to LGPE.  Each individual must know his or her part before the whole ensemble can rehearse together.  If some students are coming to rehearsal with wrong notes and rhythms, things which should be hashed out in their practicing at home, then the musical needs that are supposed to be addressed in group rehearsals cannot be appropriately addressed.  The sweetness of a cake cannot be adjusted if the baker is using salt instead of sugar.  Like the temple blocks, each musician must come to rehearsal with his or her part prepared if quality music is to be produced.  When each stone is prepared—when musician is prepared—only then can they be put together and decorated to make a presentable, appealing masterpiece.

This lesson was followed up on Thursday when one of the sixth grade classes repeatedly failed to keep a steady beat.  A question came to mind, to which several of the kids thought they had an answer, but they were trying to justify their thinking when no justification was available.  When the class failed to keep a steady beat, I turned the metronome on and put it on the overhead speakers; they were able to stay together then.  So the question arose: If you can stay together and keep a steady beat by listening, what happens when the beat you are listening to is not steady?  If I am asking you to get your steady beat by watching me, and nobody is watching me, how do any of you know that your tempo is the right tempo?  The right answer?  There's no way to know.  The only way is to watch the conductor.  But even if one person is watching and everyone is listening to that one person, how do you know that he or she is right?  Plus, how are you going to hear that one person over the deafening distractions caused by everyone else playing over that one person?  Again, these were rhetorical questions to get the students to realize that the only way to stay together at the right tempo is by watching the director.  They are not yet at the level at which they should be listening to each other.  At this point, my goal is almost to get them to ignore each other when they play so that they only hear what they are playing individually in relation to the tempo I am showing them.  Only when each and every individual has learned to watch and stay with the conductor will they be at the level at which they can properly listen to each other.  Only when each one knows his part and knows it in relation to what I dictate is the steady beat can they begin to make their notes and rhythms a musical part of the creative whole.

Now take that same lesson and imagine the band as the Church and the director as Jesus.  Jesus Himself said that "the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing" (John 5:19).  If we are all listening to each other to find the footsteps of God, how do we know that we are following the right path?  Even if one member of the Church is watching the Father and we listen to him, how do we know that he is pursuing holiness according to Scripture?  And how are we to clearly hear him over the distractions of this world and all the false gospels being preached?  The answer?  We cannot except by keeping our eyes on Christ.  And not just one of us or a few of us, but each and every single member of the Body must have his eyes on our heavenly Conductor.  And not all of us plays the same part in the divine orchestra.  We must each know our part, our role in God's plan for all of Creation, before the Holy Spirit can unite us and refine us into a harmony pleasing to the Lord.  Only then, when every individual has his eyes on the Cross, when we are each in a right relationship with God, can we listen to one another and come into the right relation with one another.  Only when every block is dressed to the proper specifications can every block be put together as a whole to create the Temple.  When the whole is not united to the One, the whole cannot truly be a whole.  When the whole is united to the One, only then are we wholly united as one.

It's funny: when God was sharing this revelation with me earlier today, I was starting to get a little annoyed because I was trying to read and couldn't concentrate because I kept thinking about all these cool lessons I was learning through my student teaching and all the lessons I wanted to teach my students.  Then this whole message solidified, and I had to stop out of sheer amazement at the way God uses everything to display His glory and His sovereign hand in all things.  I am so thankful that He has set me on this path as a music educator, with music and Scripture so finely tuned in perfect harmony for me to hear and see in what is to be my everyday profession.  May we all keep our eyes on our heavenly Conductor, and may we all play our parts for His glory alone, that we may be in perfect harmony with one another as a clear reflection of Him.

Priority Devotion

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where He prayed." ~ Mark 1:35

This verse comes up frequently among people who begin to get bogged down with life and start to drift in their devotion to God.  It serves as a reminder that Jesus is our priority, even above our own lives, and it convicts by showing that when Jesus was at His busiest, He was the most immersed in His time with His Father.  This has been a recurring theme for me this semester because, despite an apparently lighter course load, I found myself getting more buried under schoolwork than ever.  But there is more to this verse that can be found in the context that surrounds it.

To put things into perspective, our text begins in verse 21.  Jesus and His disciples had just arrived in Capernaum, and based on verses 30 and 31, I believe verses 21 through 38 all happened within the same 36 hours or so—scholars may have discovered otherwise, and I'm open to being corrected.  My reasoning?  Simon Peter's mother-in-law was sick, and if Jesus and His disciples had been staying at Simon and Andrew's house, I would think that Jesus would have already healed Peter's mother-in-law.  I would not expect them to leave the house in the morning and come back that night to find her with a crippling fever.  There would have been early signs.  So that night at Simon and Andrew's house, I think, would have been their first night in Capernaum.

So our day begins on the Sabbath with their arrival in Capernaum.  Jesus went into the synagogue to teach and was met by a man possessed by an evil spirit, whom Jesus set free.  Afterward, they retired to Simon and Andrew's house, where Jesus healed Simon's mother-in-law.  But that wasn't the end of the night.  In verse 32 we see that people were bringing the sick and demon-possessed to Jesus to be healed after dark.  There is no telling how late they were up, but the fact that the "whole town gathered at the door" (v. 33) is a good indicator that they were up well into the night.

Now we get to verse 35.  So consider this: You get up Sunday morning and go to church.  You're a surgeon, and you get a call informing you that you have several unexpected operations lined up for you that afternoon.  You go in and operate, then return home, only to receive another call after dinner that an emergency procedure is required of you immediately.  You return to work and perform the operation.  Word spreads throughout the hospital: 'Good news!  The best surgeon in the region is in the building.'  Staff and patients alike hear the news, and all of the patients lined up for surgery are rushed to your care.  It's late, but you continue to work, knowing that these patients' lives could depend on your self-sacrifice.  (Not the most practical analogy, but just go with it.)

Finally, the last operation is done, and you go home.  Exhausted, you climb in bed and immediately fall asleep.  You sleep for a couple hours, but it feels like only minutes when something stirs and awakens you.  Somehow you find yourself wide awake, though you know you've had nowhere near enough sleep, so you climb out of bed and go for a walk to pray.  After all, your Sabbath was not much of a holy day of rest.  You have company at your house, but they can manage without you until you return—besides, they'll still be asleep for another hour or two.  You turn your phone off so you can enjoy some quiet time with the Lord without disturbance, and you walk to a nearby park.  You take a seat on a bench in your favorite secluded spot, hidden by trees, and suddenly your mind begins to race with countless prayers for the lost, for the growth of those who have already received salvation, for the needs of the poor and homeless, for provision for the sick who are without necessary healthcare, for the stressed parents and unruly children at your church, for families of deceased patients...  Your mind wanders as you pray for every thought that pops into your head.  You look around, and the beauty of nature around you makes you praise God for all His wonders.  A church bell rings, counting the hours, but you pay no attention to the time.  You can't.  You're too busy confessing your sins to your heavenly Father and thanking Him for His forgiveness and the gift of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.  Then you begin to hear voices.  You open your eyes and notice that the sun is high overhead as the voices draw closer.  You turn your phone back on and find that you have several missed calls from your guests.  Rising from your bench, you walk out of the secluded area into the open, where your guests are searching for you high and low.  When you are reunited with them, something takes a hold of you and you suggest a road trip.  Confused, they agree, and you all hop in the car and drive off to who knows where, not to return home until a few days later.

That was Jesus' day.  He began the day arriving in Capernaum from out of town, and immediately went to teach.  After returning home, He found not one healing to perform, but many, going late into the night.  Before the sun had even risen the next day, He got up and left, feeling hungry for time with His Father.  He wandered off without His disciples' knowledge and found a quiet place, isolated from the public.  When His disciples awoke, they found Him missing and went searching for Him.  He had gone missing not just long enough for His disciples to notice, but long enough for them to look for Him and eventually find Him.  And after He had been found, they left right away to continue traveling and preaching the gospel.

Yes, Jesus got up early in the morning and went off to a quiet place to ensure that He had adequate time to devote to His Father (v. 35), but He did so much more than that.  He devoted Himself to serving those He cared about (v. 30-31).  He devoted Himself to serving those who came to Him looking for help (v. 32-34).  He allowed Himself to be interrupted (v. 23-26, 32-34).  He devoted Himself to fellowship with His friends (v. 31b).  He started His day with meeting with His Father and did not cut His time short until He was needed (v. 35-37).  And He remained devoted to His task above and beyond His physical desires (v. 38).  Jesus didn't just fit God into a busy schedule.  He made sacrifices to ensure that His Father was integrated into His entire schedule, even when things began to pile up all at once without warning.

Here Jesus addresses, by His actions, the Fourth Commandment and His later explanation of the Sabbath in Mark 2:23-28.  The Fourth Commandment is often abbreviated to "keep the Sabbath day holy," but there is more to it than that.  Exodus 20:9-10 says, "Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God."  Verse 9 cannot be ignored if we are to indeed enjoy the Sabbath.  A day of rest must be balanced with work the remainder of the week.  Six days of public service and interaction must be balanced with a day of total devotion to spending time alone with God.  When Jesus found that His time with His Father was going to be interrupted that Sabbath, He determined to set aside the following day for the purpose so that His work would not be hindered presently and so that He would not be drained for the following week's work.  The Sabbath was made for man's benefit, and the Lord will not contradict His commands.  If the Lord determines that work is to be done on a particular Sabbath day, another Sabbath rest will be provided in its place, if man will only seek Him earnestly.

This post is getting to be much longer than I intended, so I'll try to wrap it up.  For my Western Civilizations class, I had to read Survival in Auschwitz, by Primo Levi, and I was surprised to find an entire two pages directly applicable to this lesson of devotion in the midst of a busy schedule.  The author and narrator began to question why one would continue with the meaningless habit of washing oneself every day when the grime of the day's work would return to cover everyone again before the day's end.  Steinlauf, a fellow inmate in the labor camp, gave him some insight into the matter: The labor camps are intended to make animals of men, and it is for precisely that reason that they must continue with daily habits of civilized life, that they may cling to civilized life and resist devolving into beasts.  Likewise, it is because Satan intends to crowd God out of our schedules that we must increasingly devote ourselves to the Lord in our busiest times.  Jesus understood this best, and it is time I began to learn this lesson and apply it to my daily life.

12:10

Romans 12:10 says, "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves."  The ESV says, "Love one another with brotherly affection.  Outdo one another in showing honor."  Last summer this became kind of a theme verse a few of the counselors at Camp Highland.  Our only "rule" at camp is that we show honor toward each other and toward camp property.  Any time this was not happening, a quick reminder of "12:10" would bring to mind the verse we had been focusing on all week.

This year, Romans 12:10 became kind of an unspoken theme among the counselors, especially the second half of the ESV translation.  It became a joke among the summer staff that if we were to ever be in a burning building, we would all burn because we would be so insistent on putting each other before ourselves—we would fight to hold the door for each other and let others go first, and eventually the fire would consume us along with the building.  It became almost a game to be the first to finish at meals in order to collect and clean everyone's dishes.  Sometimes the game broke out into races to the dish room.  One counselor even sabotaged me with honor one night by convincing my campers to let me take the first shower of the night.  This was partially in response to his campers from a few weeks earlier, who had been determined to honor their counselor so much that he would be utterly unable to serve them because of how quick they were to serve him in the ways he wanted to serve.

If there was any underlying theme for the whole summer, it would have to be the theme of "[outdoing] one another in showing honor," and also that the greatest challenges bring the greatest rewards (James 1:12).  The theme verses of the sessions were John 15 (abiding in Christ), Colossians 3:16 (letting the Word dwell in us richly), James 1:1 (being transformed from skeptic to willing servant through a deep personal relationship with Christ, just as James was after his encounter with the risen Savior), and James 1:27 (being found pure in the sight of God by the blood of Christ, and living in that identity as one who is unstained by sin).  These themes also played an important part in my growth this summer leading into this present semester.  They seem to me like themes for my own personal devotion to God though.  If you were to ask me what I took away from the summer, I would probably bring up the first two themes I originally mentioned.  But though I don't immediately think of the session themes, they have been key in bringing me out of the slump I found myself in last year.  Going into the summer, I had my fears and insecurities because last year was a strange year for me spiritually.  Since my response to the Lord's call in January 2010, Scripture has been my place of refuge and refreshment when it comes to my growth in my walk with Christ.  But after spending an entire summer leading elementary and middle schoolers in the basics of TAG time (Time Alone with God), I found myself feeling comfortable with what I already knew of the Bible.  Instead, my growth last year focused primarily on prayer.  Ironically, as the year came to a close, I felt very uncomfortable about the fact that I had felt comfortable with my Scripture knowledge.  So the start of this summer was the start of another turning point, bringing me back into a daily time of reading, in addition to a constant connection in prayer.  My fear at the beginning was that, having not consistently been reading for a year, I wouldn't know what to teach my campers or how to lead them this year in comparison to last year.  But another key theme of the summer was this truth: I don't have what they [the campers] need.  In and of myself, I have nothing of value to offer.  God pointed this out to me right away.  He had a purpose for keeping me from reading the Bible like I was used to: to humble me and to make me dependent on Him in order to lead the campers into a personal knowledge of Christ.  And as soon as the campers arrived, I began to notice that the Lord had blessed me beyond what I could have imagined coming into the summer by calling to mind Scripture references and memory verses I didn't even know I still remembered.

He also blessed me with fantastic co-counselors and an incredible team of fellow staff.  Vinnie, who was my co-counselor for four weeks last summer, was my co again for six out of the seven weeks of camp this summer.  The way that he modeled the wisdom he shared was a huge inspiration to me because he truly lives out James 1:22, not merely listening to the Word, but also doing it.  His is a James 3:17 kind of wisdom.  This convicted me at the beginning of the summer to seek to live out wisdom rather than share it verbally.  The wisdom that comes from God comes with humility and love, and is the kind of wisdom that is displayed, not spoken.  So for the summer, at least toward the beginning when it was fresh in my mind, my task was to live and do what could be done without words, and to speak only the wisdom that had to be spoken and could not be outwardly displayed.  How well I actually followed through with that goal, I'm not sure, but I bring up the point now so that I can renew my prayers and efforts for such wisdom.

There's still a lot more I want to share about camp, but I'll leave it there for now.  I'll have more about day-to-day life and the wins for Christ I saw this summer next time.

—————
Recap:
I don't have what they need.
"We're going to burn!"  Outdoing one another in honor.
Wisdom: Doing what can be shown without words, and saying only what cannot be communicated otherwise.

Embrace the Fade

"All these people were still living by faith when they died.  They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.  And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth.  People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own.  If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.  Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them." ~ Hebrews 11:13-16

"But our citizenship is in heaven.  And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body." ~ Philippians 3:20-21


This morning the Lord impressed on me the reality of how temporary this life is and the joy we receive from that realization.  I was reading Psalm 103, and the first thing God brought to my attention was verses 2, 5, and 9: the Lord has been good to me, and I must not forget it.  He has done much that I can bring to mind in order to remember His faithfulness when I am in distress.  And He does not make us suffer constantly.  Though He does use trials to refine us and grow us more into His likeness, not all of His blessings come in disguise.  And I am grateful for that.  I would not be able to stand under the weight of a constant barrage of trials, and I enjoy receiving good things from God in the midst of His discipline.  As verse 5 says, He gives us these good things so that we can be refreshed and strengthened for the new work He has prepared for us to do.

That was the main theme I picked up from Psalm 103, but verses 15 and 16 also caught my attention, leading me to the above passages, which took the majority of my focus.  The point that came from it was this: We are temporary; rejoice in it!  The Spirit's signature statement was, "Embrace the fade," or, "Welcome transition."  A lot of times I have a hard time letting go of certain groups or positions within a group, but God stressed to me that I am made to last only in eternity.  My position in this life can change at any moment.  And that's good in His eyes.  It's humbling to know that I have a valuable role to play where I am at any given point in time but that God can work just as well without me when I am gone as He can while I am here.  Even when I leave here, wherever here is, I still have a role to play: welcoming whoever is to take my place and leaving without regrets or reservations.  I must welcome the transition because it is a necessary step in my journey toward heaven and in the advancement of the Kingdom here on earth.

Sometimes I'll look around and see people, things, or interactions between people and/or things, and it will feel surreal.  I get the sense that my perception is that of a shadow, as if this present reality is only a dream from which we will eventually wake up to see true reality.  My grandfather's death was one such occasion, when the reality that he was "gone" never really sank in because he's not actually gone for good.  Eternity is more real to me in that case than this present reality is (see 2 Corinthians 5:16-18).  In fact, this life is the preparation stage for heaven.  We are collecting our eternal belongings—our character developed in Christ, the blessings we inherit by sharing blessings with others, our talents and abilities refined for our specifically assigned form of worship, etc.—and packing our bags, with the Spirit as our sturdy Vessel and our Father's side being our destination.  We can pack all we want, but unless Christ is our Vessel, all our belongings will fall through and we will not make it safely to the table of our God for the feast He has prepared for us.  Only dependence on Christ will ensure our arrival in heaven.  We can keep our belongings in our earthly containers and try to force them into our heavenly Vessel, but just as packing individual belongings in a suitcase is easier than packing entire unorganized bags of belongings into a suitcase, so removing our spiritual belongings from their earthly vessels will make it easier to store them in Christ.  All of life encompasses this process of packing and unpacking and repacking.  And it's a wonderful process, though it can be painful at times.  But remember, we are packing our bags after a long vacation on earth so that we can return home to heaven to be with our Father.  Thank God this world is only a tent for our temporary dwelling (2 Corinthians 5:1-3); praise Him for the unshakable city He is preparing for us (Hebrews 12:28)!  Welcome transition: much better is coming to replace the good we have now.  Though God made all of creation, and it is good in His sight, there is much better yet to come as this world fades away (2 Corinthians 5:4-8).

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.  What is your life?  For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." ~ James 4:14

Embrace the fade.

Doubting Thomas

The other day at camp, the story of Doubting Thomas came up.  As the discussion went on, my perspective on Thomas began to change.  Something about what he said when the disciples told him that Jesus had risen from the tomb just didn't seem to match the common interpretation of his attitude.  What if the "doubt" that Thomas was accused of consisted less of skepticism and more of a sense of caution?

Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.”

Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” ~ (John 20:24-29, ESV)

What if Thomas, of all the disciples, actually loved Jesus more than any other?  And what if His crucifixion brought such great pain and sorrow to Thomas, that the grief of the others could not compare?  Perhaps that was why Thomas was not with them when Jesus appeared to them the first time: he may have been grieving alone.  What if his pain was so great that he would reject any glimmer of hope in fear that that hope would be dashed to pieces?  Maybe Thomas desperately wanted to believe that Jesus had risen to life, but unless he saw Him with his own eyes, he would not dare to risk giving himself to a false hope.  Only the testimony of the risen Savior Himself would be sufficient to convince Thomas, because any other witness could be flawed.  What if his heart echoed the deeply pained caution of Psalm 116:11, deeming any proclamation of resurrection to be a lie until the Resurrected One appeared personally?  Then when Jesus finally appeared to Thomas, what if his exclamation, "My Lord and my God!" was not one of disbelief proven wrong, but rather one of a cautiously repressed hope joyously fulfilled?

And what about the other account of Thomas, when Jesus headed straight into hostile Judea to raise Lazarus, though the Jews there sought to put Him to death?  Could Thomas' comment, “Let us also go, that we may die with him" also be misinterpreted?  Maybe the sarcasm we infer from the statement is actually real concern and a carrying out of Peter's later vow to lay down his life for his Savior (John 13:37).  Maybe Thomas' mentality in his statement was not, "I can't believe we're walking straight into our death sentence," but rather, "Why would Jesus dare to risk His own death?  If He is killed, I will not be able to live with myself without Him.  If He is to die now, I will die with Him."

One of the counselors at camp asked another counselor a question, which he then asked me: What does "hope in Christ" mean to you?  I think hope in Christ looks like John 20:29.  We become so deeply attached to the Lord that any assault on Him or His glory is taken as a personal attack, and to be given any false hope concerning Him would be treachery of the worst sort.  We desperately long to hope for His resurrection, but we must be cautious and count all men liars (Psalm 116:11) if they would have us trust in anything other than Christ and His truth spoken directly from His own mouth.  And yet, just as Abraham hoped against hope that what God had promised would come to pass (Romans 4:18), we put the fullness of our hope in the promise that the Lord is faithful to keep every promise.  So despite the risk of pain if we are to find our hope to be false, our hope in Christ is firm and secure (Hebrews 6:19) because we know that "hope does not disappoint" (Romans 5:5).  Whereas Thomas fought the hope that he longed to cling to because of the potential pain it could bring, we eagerly hold firm to our hope because God has proven Himself faithful before, and He will do it again.  As Jesus said, blessed are those who love Me so much that they fear disappointment at finding the testimonies about Me to be false, and yet who put their trust in My testimony anyway because they know My character of faithfulness (John 20:29).

In a way, that is what I think of when I think of hope in Christ.  But that is also what I think it looks like when we hope for Christ.  To hope in Christ can also be to hope for things from the perspective of God's will.  Hope in Christ stems from abiding in Christ (John 15:5).  When we remain in Him, we begin to see things through His eyes, and thus we begin to hope based on His desires because "we have the mind of Christ" (1 Corinthians 2:16) given by the Spirit.  "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37:4

To go even further, when I think of "hope in Christ" I think of Colossians 1:27, "Christ in you, the hope of glory."  When we hope for glory, we hope only for God's glory because there is no other glory worth speaking of.  Our hope of glory, then, or our hope to see God glorified, is Christ in us—the character of Christ growing in us, His word dwelling in us richly (Colossians 3:16), being built up into a dwelling place for the Spirit (1 Peter 2:5), Him increasing as I decrease (John 3:30).  God receives glory when His Son is seen in us and through us.  Thus, to hope in Christ is to trust Him to make us more like Himself, that our heavenly Father may be glorified.  And we can be confident that He will do so, because He "must be about [His] Father's business" (Luke 2:49 KJV), and so must we.

So let us joyfully take hold of the hope that Thomas so cautiously repressed, because we know that "great is His steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.  Praise the Lord!" (Psalm 117:2).

Thoughts from the "Camp Bubble": Camp Highland Staff Training

Well, today marks our day of rest as Camp Highland staff after two weeks of staff training.  It's been intense, deep, challenging, and of course a lot of fun.  This summer has a lot of new things in store for the campers who will be coming, and it has been a cool opportunity to take part in making these new things possible.  After two weeks, we're finally ready to welcome the kids to camp tomorrow morning.  And even after only two weeks, the Lord has done countless wonders and taught innumerable valuable lessons that I'm going to try to remember so I can share them.

As soon as I drove through the front gate, everything felt surreal.  It can't really be true that it's been a whole year since last summer.  It felt as if it had only been a few weeks.  As the staff began to trickle in Monday morning, I started to get more and more excited for training to start and for the campers to get here, as I saw just how many staff we have returning from last year and just how incredible all the new staff are.  And to top it off, my friend Johnny from Journey showed up!  Journey/Choose to Invest is a group that partners with Camp Highland to send a team of college students on a 6-8-week mission trip in Kenya every summer.  Johnny was one of the team members that I connected with, and we kept each other updated on the happenings at camp and in Kenya throughout the summer.  This year Johnny is one of the team leaders, so it was awesome to see how God orchestrated everything so that we would both end up camp again this week so that we could reconnect.

For me the biggest thing God has been doing in me has been constantly immersing me in His Spirit.  Usually when I think of experiencing God's presence, I think of big emotional experiences that produce spiritual highs.  Although I did experience a spiritual high during the first week of training, the Lord has been teaching me to seek Him in other ways, especially when I don't feel Him.  The first week involved a lot of huge revelations for all of the staff, as well as a rapid development of openness with each other.  Prophetic encouragement led to people realizing their purpose for being here at camp.  Testimonies of strengthened faith through hardships, especially a very recent death of a close loved one, shook all of us up and stirred us up to pursue the Lord in greater faith.  The "camp bubble" atmosphere of freedom from the darkness and chaos of the outside world has been growing me in making me more comfortable with allowing the Lord to speak through me whenever He wants to, and He has been teaching me to simply open my mouth and let Him speak.

The second week, however, took a different turn.  While praying at the end of the first week, thanking God for just how encouraging the first week had been, He quietly warned me that the following week would not be the same as the first.  This week would be filled with difficulties and tests of faith and patience.  And I'm glad He told me that, because I'm not sure I would have made it through the week in one piece (mentally and spiritually) if I had simply been thrown into it.  I tend to be very idealistic, and it's very easy for me to be disappointed when someone I look up to fails to meet my expectations.  That happened a few times this week, and I began to become impatient, though it might not have been apparent outwardly.  But last night God had to correct me, not for being impatient, but for misunderstanding what true impatience is.  (In fact, these last two weeks have involved a lot of redefining of terms, specifically humility and pride.)  He reassured me that the "impatience" I was experiencing was actually justified indignation at what displeases Him.  He has given me the same righteous anger He has about the things that defy Him.  But He also reminded me that vengeance is His to repay.  He told me to welcome what I have termed "impatience" because it is a sign of His just character, but to outwardly demonstrate patience and love, and to not foster impatience and anger, lest it grow to become hatred not of sin but of the sinner.

The biggest truth the Lord revealed to me this week came while I was praying one day.  My allergies have been plaguing me incessantly, and I think it actually developed into a minor cold/fever after I got a little sunburned, so my morning TAG time (Time Alone with God) for several days was spent going in and out of the bathroom to blow my nose, which kept me from getting very deep into my reading.  Instead, my time was spent praying and listening.  Finally, I was tired of not being able to read for longer than three minutes at a time, so one night during some down time, I sat down and read some, then returned to praying.  While I prayed, I started to complain to God, "Why do I feel so disconnected from You?"  He said, "You're not."  At first, that was reassuring and gave me a sense of peace.  He was telling me that despite my sense of being distant from Him, my feelings were deceiving me, and He was, in fact, near and using all things to grow me.  But I took His response as a correction to my question.  But after deeper searching later that night, the Lord revealed that His response was actually His answer to my question.  I feel disconnected from Him because I am securely connected to Him.  At camp, our mission is "to lead people into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ through the use of high adventure," which means that, naturally, high ropes courses, climbing walls, and enormous swings are heavily used and always related to a spiritual concept that can be put to practical use.  So naturally God related His answer of security to the use of a harness.  When climbing a rock wall or walking through a high ropes course, a harness is a necessity for safety.  Of course you feel the harness when you first put it on, and you can always tell that it is on securely as you progress through your task, but do you really feel it all the way through the course or all the way up the tower?  Is your attention on the harness and the belay rope, or is it on your next handhold or your next step across a rickety rope bridge with loose boards?  While you know that your harness is keeping you safe, your attention should be on the task at hand.  If your sense of the harness overwhelms your sense of accomplishing a task, then it must be uncomfortable and something must be wrong with the harness.  Not very reassuring.  A true sense of security is evidenced by a tendency to forget about the harness while performing a task.  A more personal analogy that I feel conveys the message more clearly is the way that I cannot feel the infusion site of my insulin pump once it has been inserted correctly.  The concept of an infusion site is similar to an IV that you might get at the hospital.  Once it's in, yes, you know it's there, but if it has been inserted properly, you should have very little physical sensation of it being there.  Any feeling stimulated by the infusion site or IV is evidence that it is uncomfortable, giving reason to adjust it or change it completely.  When I go through my day-to-day life, I don't feel my infusion site at all.  And that is the proof that it is working well.  Likewise, because I didn't feel God as strongly this week, I had reason to believe that God was entrusting me with more of Himself because I no longer need constant emotional experiences to prove to me that God is real.  I felt disconnected from God because He is closer to me now than ever before.  Needless to say, that was an exciting discovery!

And there's still more!  This week the leadership staff from Stone Mountain Park and Wild Adventure came to camp for their staff training, and we got to train and hang out with them while they were here.  It was encouraging to hear how they noticed Christ in us as we demonstrated unity and love for one another and for them.  Some of them even came to know Christ in a deeper personal way during their time here, which is really exciting!  God moved in them here, and I can't wait to hear how He moves through them as they go back to lead their staff by the power of the Holy Spirit.

But along with all of this encouragement also came some conviction.  God called my attention again to my diabetes and revealed to me that I have been a victim of spiritual diabetes.  While I receive wisdom and insight from the Lord and continue to seek more from Him, and while I share what He teaches me, very little of what He teaches me comes across in practical application in my everyday life.  I ingest spiritual carbohydrates, but I am lacking in spiritual insulin to make my spiritual food useful for action.  I want to see this change.  Lord, replace my spiritual pancreas with Your Spirit, Your spring of Living Water.

There's still much more that God has been doing, but this is the last thing I'm going to share for now, until next time, because I'm running out of time, and I've already given you enough to read for now.  The unity and support our staff have demonstrated in our support for each other has been a huge encouragement to me.  A few of us spent one night sharpening each other as iron sharpens iron in a heated debate.  All sides of the discussion were passionate about their stance and were fully convinced of the Lord's will in that area, and it was cool to see how the Spirit spoke truth into the situation through so many wise individuals, growing us all to have a united cause: to make the name of Jesus glorified abundantly.  Another night was spent being vulnerable in confession and encouraging a brother that God is not finished with His work in him yet.  Just hearing his story makes me excited about the ministry opportunity he has, to share the gospel with a unique group of people and to be a like a living stone (1 Peter 2:5), evidence of God's sovereignty and His ability to make good out of the worst of circumstances.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying and supporting me as I prepare to work at camp this summer!  I can't fully express how much it means to me that you would set aside part of your day to keep me and our staff in your prayers, and I pray that you would be encouraged to know that God is working because of you.  We are fighting for the hearts and souls of the kids who will be coming here, and your prayers strengthen us for the Lord's purposes.  Campers arrive tomorrow!  To arms, prayer warriors!  God bless!

"God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone."

James 1:13b

This passage has always confused me, and it wasn't until a few months ago that God gave me a little clarity on it.  Now I'm finally getting around to writing about it.

So what's the confusion?  Of course, we know that God doesn't tempt anyone.  That's what Satan does.  But why include the statement that God cannot be tempted?  What about when Jesus was tempted in the wilderness (Luke 4:1-13)?  Wasn't God tempted then?  And isn't this passage in James talking about the temptation man experiences?  What does tempting God have to do with it?

Let's start by defining temptation.  We're familiar with the common understanding of what temptation is: a pull toward something that is immoral, unwise or, in other words, contrary to God's will.  And, in fact, that may be enough to help us understand this verse.  Because God is the One who knows and is in control of His will, nothing can convince Him to take a detour away from His own will.  It may appear in certain passages in the Bible that prayer was used to change His mind about something, but the reality is that the end result that came from prayer was actually His plan all along.  He simply tested His servants and drove them to earnest prayer by setting in their minds that His current course of action needed to be changed.  By convincing them that His plan was unlike Him, He led them to seek Him more passionately in prayer so that He would be glorified more appropriately, and thus He accomplished His will and received greater glory through His servants than He would have if He had simply gone ahead with His will without giving His servants a part in it.

Anyway, let's look at it another way.  If I say, "I'm tempted to buy this book," it can be assumed that my original plan was not to buy that book.  My original course of action was already set, but temptation came and gave me an alternate route.  Sometimes the word temptation can be misused in this case, when buying that book would be a good investment, but buying the book would still be a detour from the original plan.  So in this case, "temptation" can convince us that the new course of action is better than the original.  God, however, cannot be tempted in this way.  He can never be convinced that another way is better than His way.  Obviously.  You'd think the Creator of the universe and the Orchestrator of all things would know the best way to organize the events of history for the good of His people and for the increase of His glory.

So I think what James is trying to say here is that when God seems to give us clarity on His purposes for our lives, we must test anything that seems to take us on a different path, even if it only delays us in getting to the same destination.  God will not tell us to do something one day and the next day say, "Actually, I have a better idea."  When God makes His way known and declares His word, His word is set up as a monument of truth for eternity.

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever." ~ Isaiah 40:8

So what is temptation?  Let's call it "anything that tries to convince a child of God to depart, even momentarily, from the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God."

"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.'  For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.  Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." ~ James 1:13-15

Paraphrased:

"When you have been clearly given a plan by God, do not question His way when something pops up that may give you a logical reason to take a different path.  Just because you heard God's voice in a certain way, do not immediately assume that it is His voice again when you hear it the same way again, especially if it contradicts what He first told you.  It is not God telling you to disregard His original plan; it is your own natural inclination toward reason and safety.  Any attempt to preserve your life or dignity that strays from God's will will only result in your eternal harm.  God knows what He is doing, and He will not change His mind once He has told you His plan for you.  Keep your ears open and your mind clear so that you can know when you have accurately heard the voice of the Lord; then stand firm in what He has told you."

Prayer as Prophecy

Did you know that prayer can be spoken as prophecy?  I didn't either until God told me earlier today.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you've probably noticed that I've written a few times about prayer and prophecy, sometimes individually and sometimes together.  Well, I'm going to add to that collection.

Another school year has gone by, and now I'm back at home.  My brother is finishing up his first year of college, and my parents are on their way up to Indiana now to pick him up later this week.  So it's just me and my grandma left in the house, which, even though one day isn't much to go by, has been great!  I usually don't spend a whole lot of time talking with my grandma because of the language barrier, but we worked through it with some broken Japanese on my part and some broken English on her part.  But that's not the only thing that I've gotten to enjoy since being home.  With a quiet, almost empty house, I was able to enjoy some time reading and praying.  In fact, I plan on continuing that prayer time after I finish typing.  Anyway, in the middle of reading, I couldn't stay focused on my reading because God was putting too much on my mind that He wanted me to pray for.  So I prayed then went back to my book, then got distracted again, so I prayed and went back to my book.  Eventually, I decided to just go on a prayer walk with my dog.

As I was praying, the Holy Spirit started speaking through me in a powerful way that I had never recognized or understood before.  I had felt that kind of authority in prayer before, but I had never been able to put a name to that kind of confident praying.  He had me praying for things I wouldn't normally think of to pray.  And He had me praying with such confidence and assurance of His promises that I knew that what He had me praying for would come true.  Then the Lord planted the thought of prophecy in my mind, and I understood.  The kind of strength I felt while praying earlier was the same feeling of authority that comes from prophecy and the understanding of visions.  Because the Holy Spirit is the One giving the prophecy or vision, the prophecy or vision can be trusted to be true and to be fulfilled.  In the same way, because the Holy Spirit is the One who prays for us, we can trust Him to fulfill our prayers because the Spirit only prays what the Lord wants and what He intends to fulfill.  When we pray authentic prayers guided by the Spirit, we are not merely expressing our desires; we are prophesying!  That's why Paul encourages the Corinthians to desire the gift of prophecy (1 Corinthians 14:1): he wants them to learn to be in such close contact with the Lord that His desires are deeply known to us so that we may speak them into being with His life-giving breath.  We are called to delight in the Lord so that we may want what He wants, and thus our desires, which are God's desires, would be fulfilled (Psalm 37:4).  And when we pray in the Spirit (Romans 8:26-27), we welcome and ask for the fulfillment of those desires.

This is also why God told Ezekiel to prophecy to the dry bones in the valley (Ezekiel 37).  Rather than pray that the bones would receive new life, Ezekiel was told to prophecy to the bones, implying a certain level of assurance that the words spoken will indeed become truth.

Maybe this doesn't change all that much, but it's still a cool thought.  When you're praying, instead of just rattling off a list of wants and needs and hopes and thanks (thanksgiving is essential), allow the Spirit to pray through you as if He is prophesying through you.  See what happens to your faith as a result, and what happens in actuality.

Go, Send, or Disobey

These are John Piper's three behavior categories of Christians when it comes to missions: we can either go serve and take the gospel to Jerusalem, to Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth (Acts 1:8); we can support, encourage, pray for, and send others (Acts 13:1-3); or we can disobey the Great Commission entirely and so reject God's grace shown to us.

This past week the Lord has been heavily emphasizing missions in what He has been teaching me.  It started with hearing about Athens Launch a couple weeks ago, which is a mission-oriented community group that is being set up here for the upcoming school year.  Launch has several sites across the country, and now Athens will be added to that number.  The purpose of Launch is largely for networking and encouraging "go-ers" and mobilizers.  A go-er is just what it sounds like: they are the people typically identified as missionaries, who go overseas as laborers in the harvest.  Mobilizers are those who make people aware of the urgent need for missionaries in all six areas (learning, going, praying, sending, welcoming, and mobilizing) and who spur people on toward action for the advancement of the Kingdom of God.

Anyway, because I won't be doing Wesley leadership next year (God is leading me to start removing myself from the campus ministry setting and more into a church setting, so I plan to get more involved at Watkinsville First Baptist), it seemed like Launch was going to be what I'm supposed to do next year instead.  I was wrong.  Because of time conflicts with Redcoats, Launch is not for me.  But I like several of the ideas behind Launch, like the commitment to meeting with international students regularly, the desire for fellowship not only in a spiritual learning environment but also in a setting that fosters relationship building—specifically, sharing meals together with the intent of carrying that time over into Bible study time.  So I want to live out what Launch will be doing without officially being a part of Launch.

Enough about that.  Following the whole ordeal with Launch, I went to Perspectives this past Thursday, which drove home the idea of missions even deeper.  My friend Jessica had an idea that got us both really excited about the learning and mobilizing areas of missions, and that set the ball rolling for even more ideas.  In addition to that, Chris Fitzgerald, the missions director at Watkinsville, spoke at Perspectives and talked about the importance of having a solid home church that will wholeheartedly support missionaries so that they are not cut off from their church family while they are overseas.  Then Chris spoke again at church this morning, as well as a couple that will be moving to Boston to minister to college and university faculty.

All of this has culminated for me in the last couple days.  What I said earlier was exactly completely true: this didn't really start with Launch.  It started with me not going on a mission trip this year, which was a change for me because I've gone to Jamaica over spring break two out of my three years at UGA.  Instead, God called me to help send people on mission trips rather than actually going on one myself.  So I've been supporting people financially and in prayer this year, which has been an incredible opportunity to see how God uses the people I am investing in.  He also showed me how Moses was a mobilizer to Aaron, and because of other similarities I noticed when comparing my own life to the life of Moses, I took that to mean that I'm supposed to be a mobilizer too.  So the culmination of all of this came when my friend Shelby shared that she is still raising her last $700 of support for her trip to Southeast Asia through Adventures in Missions (http://www.adventures.org/give/donate.asp?giveto=partFund — choose Passport under Program, and donate to Shelby Burnam), and I wanted to give more, but God gave me a different idea.  After hearing Chris speak at Perspectives, the Lord hinted at the idea of setting up an organization, probably starting locally here in Athens but possibly expanding, that would connect go-ers with senders and pray-ers.  We hear a lot about people who are raising support to go on mission trips, but what if there was a group of people who know that their calling at this point in time is not to go but to send and pray, and that group was filled with a passion and desperation to support people going on mission trips?  What if people began to say, "I wish I knew someone that is going overseas that I could invest in through prayer, encouragement, and financial means"?  And what if there was someone that could connect those senders and prayers with the go-ers who are still raising support?  This idea is still in the formative stages, but I think this is where God is leading me in the relatively near future.

The last thing the Lord told me yesterday was on the issue of praying for missions.  I was reading The Complete Works of E.M. Bounds On Prayer, which I've been reading on and off since summer 2011, and conveniently, the chapter that I had left off on was on Prayer and Missions.  The point Bounds made in the chapter was that too often we give financially toward missions but we don't pray.  Missionary support without prayer is just like sending someone on a fully funded vacation or community service project.  What really sets missions apart is the prayer that goes into it.  So God challenged me with a challenge for all go-ers, prayers, and senders.  To the senders, pray!  Pray first before you donate.  And don't let it be just a one-time thing, when you pray for God to bless your donation, and then you give your money.  Really pray over an extended period of time.  For example, for a week-long mission trip, assuming the one going has given you advance notice, keep the trip in your prayers at least as long as the trip will last before you give any money toward it.  If you know for certain that you are supposed to give toward a trip before you pray about it, tell the person, "I'm going to give financially toward your trip, but I want to pray for you and your trip before I give you the money and send you off."  And to the go-ers, encourage your supporters to do this.  Rather than asking for money right off the bat, if it's early November and your trip is in March, ask your supporters to pray for the entire month of November before sending any money.  And when sending updates during the support raising period, remind your supporters to keep praying, an give them something to pray about rather than just giving financial progress reports.  Bounds states that too often we ask for money and assume that prayer will inherently be given along with the money.  But we need to start thinking the other way around: a spirit of prayer for missions will naturally give rise to a giving spirit.  So that's my challenge: In supporting missions, don't give money until you have actively prayed for the trip.  A lot of times our prayers regarding missions are confined to the shallow "Should I give, and if so, how much?" kind of prayers.  But we need to actually pray for missions, not simply about them.  And in seeking support, trust God to give you the money you need when you need it; instead, let your main request be for prayer.